Fortitude

You know, sometimes I really get a big kick out of watching Grace and Frankie.  There are times when I feel like Grace – in need to be in control of things, caring too much about what others may think – and there are times when I feel like Frankie – a complete free spirit with confidence in who she is with no remorse or concern with what others may think.  Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot like Grace and less like Frankie.

I’ve been thinking about the finality of moving out of the house and into my own space, and it’s weird.  I’ve been back knowing that I no longer live there, wondering why the feelings have permeated through the hard shell I’ve built up to keep them out.  I try not to feel anything, but it doesn’t always work.  I know that at the end if the day I have to face my feelings and deal with them head on, and there have been some realizations come about regarding my relationship.  I’m not ready to make them known yet, and they may never see the light of this page at all.  But they are certainly present, and I’m glad I’ve been able to talk to family and friends about them.  Hell, being able to be with and talk to family and friends in general has been wonderful and healing.

I guess now comes step two – moving out.  I’ve been ready to do this for a solid week and have been kicking myself for not starting my lease this weekend instead of next weekend.  Then I think of the things that happened over this weekend and sort of feel better.  Friday I went out with my Texas bff and watched as firemen in kilts played the bagpipes and drums.  They came from all over to play at the Keep Tradition Alive day in Lewisville, and you know what?  I felt like I was at home in Cleveland on Saint Patrick’s Day.  I had goosebumps and chills, and I was so happy.  Last night I went to a Rangers game with a couple of co-workers, and we had a blast (it was a hell of a game, too – grand slam home run, extra innings, and a walk off homer to win the game!).  Then we went to a local place to play some pool and have a couple drinks.  It was a really late night, but it was worth it.  I need times and moments like those because I really do genuinely lose myself in the moment and enjoy spending time with my friends.

As things get more real and more final this week, I know I’ll have to deal with my thoughts and emotions and catalogue them in a way that you would catalogue books.  I pray for the courage to keep on keeping on and power through my week.  I know there’s a reward/light at the end of the tunnel.  All I need to do is remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, and that means a clean slate.

Advertisements