The Unknown

I’d like to think that I’m generally a pretty strong person.  Once I make my mind up about something, I go do whatever that something is, and I do my best to be at peace with it.  Tonight, however, is different.  I seem to have lost my strength at the moment.

A couple of weeks ago, the boyfriend and I broke up.  We had been together for three and a half years.  We had been living together in his house, a house I thought was great, but something didn’t seem right for whatever reason.  Once the breakup happened and I packed some stuff to stay with my aunt and uncle, I came to realize that it was me.  Over this last weekend, I packed up about 99% of my things, spending a few hours there on Friday and about nine on Saturday.  Yeah, I beat myself up packing, and let me tell you, my back was pretty far from happy.  But it’s okay.  My aim was to not go back until moving day.

Let me backtrack.  Early last week, I went apartment hunting.  My parents suggested I take the week off since there wasn’t much pressure, but the now former boyfriend (let’s call him FBF) and I agreed that we didn’t want things to drag out if possible.  So I ventured out into the big, wide world and hunted a little.  Of the 20 complexes on my list, I saw four.  Only half of them were on the list.  I found a place quickly because I knew what I wanted, and I put a deposit down fast.  All I had to wait on was approval, but I packed stuff anyway because it needed to be done.

Friday when I went back to the house, I was dreading it.  I stalled as much as I could in the morning because I just didn’t want to do it.  I got there shortly before noon and wasted time feeling upset because I had realized that I didn’t live there anymore.  That was a really heavy realization, and it weighed me down.  A lot.  I was only there for a few hours since it was a Friday, and I wanted to beat traffic (I did for about half the trip).  After that I decided it was spa time.  I had texted my Texas bff to see if she had plans, but I didn’t get a response.  So I grabbed my tablet and phone and headed off to the food counter to get something to eat, turned the corner, and there she was!  She had gotten there a couple hours before.  Apparently great minds think alike.  It was nice to have someone to talk to that understood how I was feeling and have a chance to relax and have someone to spend some time with.

Saturday, I decided to go back and bust my ass until I got everything done.  I moved systematically, sweeping the rooms I was in, making sure I got everything.  By the time 9:00 rolled around, I called it a day.  My back was spasming a bit, and I realized that I was incredibly hungry.  So on my way back to my aunt and uncle’s house, I grabbed some food.  When I got there, my aunt and cousin (she came home from school for the weekend) were working on a puzzle, so I joined in.  They asked how things went, and I said everything was pretty much done.

Except I missed some small things.  No big deal, but I had tried hard not to do that.  FBF was able to text and tell me what I had forgotten and to ask questions.  We’re doing our best to be as amicable and fair as we can while giving each other space.

Today I received word that I’m all approved on my apartment, and I’m set to move in next weekend.  While lying here before bed, emotions hit me, and I started to cry.  I don’t feel very strong at all right now.  I don’t know much of my time here in Texas without FBF, and, while we’re trying to be friends here, it’s just weird.  I’m moving to my own place; I’ll be on my own schedule; I’ll get to do whatever I want whenever I want.  Yeah, that’s great.  But I can’t help but feel a little scared of the unknown, you know?  Right now I feel as if someone has taken the wind out of my sails.  I just feel deflated.  I’m ready to move in more ways than one, but I’m still sad, too, in a way.  It’s hard for me to really put it into words, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who understands how I feel right now.

Well, I said it two weeks ago, and I’ll say it again…

I’ll feel better tomorrow.