Not How I Planned to Spend My Day

I’m hurting really badly today.  I received some news that totally stunned me and threw me for a loop.  At the moment, I can’t share, but it feels pretty shitty.  Hurting sucks.  Grief sucks.  Anything involving pain sucks, no matter what kind of pain it is – emotional, physical….it all just bites.

All I could think about while I was eating (which I had to force myself to do, by the way – I sort of noticed the feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I felt the numbness more) was that it can’t be true.  No way is this happening.  I’m going to wake up tomorrow, and everything is going to be fine.  This will all just be one, big, bad, stupid dream.

My heart really hurts right now.  I keep going through phases of being completely numb and just losing it.  I break down and cry.  The only word I can really muster is a four letter word ending in “k.”  Yeah, that one.  Eloquent, right?  For someone who is typically loquacious, I have been reduced to a pile of tears, numbness, and – not to be gross – snot.  My eyes feel heavy, almost like sandpaper.  I am almost dreading work tomorrow, but I keep coming back to that one line from Sleepless in Seattle.

“Work!  Work will save you. Work is the only thing that will see you through this.”

I suppose it’s better to be busy than to sit at home on your guza (butt), thinking about something like this.  Because the only good it’ll do you is to bring the endless tears and questions.  I know that questioning things is part of being human.  I keep coming to “What exactly was the plan here with this?”  I guess it beats the classic “Why?”

At the same time that I’m grieving, I feel lucky, too.  When my mom called, she couldn’t get a hold of me, so she called my boyfriend’s phone.  I can only guess that she gave him some pointers on how to help me through this and how to be supportive because he’s never gone through anything like this himself.  He’s been pretty great.  I’ve been able to snuggle close.  I think, after the last three and a half years, that he has learned how I process sadness and grief.  I need to be touched.  I want to be touched.  It helps me ground myself, realize that I’m still breathing, and understand that I have support.  I told him thank you a few times today already, and he’s told me not to thank him.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s because he knows I would do the same for him?  I don’t know.

By my standards, it’s late.  I’m usually at least lying down in bed by now, unwinding from my day, but my brain just…can’t.  I can’t really unwind because I can’t feel too much of anything right now, except maybe a little hungry.  I guess hunger is a good sign.

Hopefully I’ll work this out and get to feeling better.  Either way, I’m going to work and likely lifting some heavy weights tomorrow.  I know I need the exercise for sure.  After that, who knows.


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